When Johnny Met Tifa
by sharinganrivers
Summary: Just a little one shot that doesn't really go anywhere.


**Hey there Toonami faithful. You may not remember him but there was once a very minor character in Final Fantasy VII named Johnny; the guy who has a crush on Tifa. You meet him periodically in the early parts of the game. And I'm pretty sure that was him in Crisis Core. That jackass who stole the name of Tifa's bar. If you've met him you know what I'm talking about. If you don't then… Anyway enjoy the fic. I hope Sephiroth comes back soon…**

Genesis: You know, what since no one is going to say this, I'm going to. Every time you mention Tifa, Johnny, you lose customers to her.

Johnny: What?

Genesis: Every time you mention Tifa you lose customers to her. You always go on and on about her. How nice she is, how her she and her friends banned together and saved the world. That is why people go to her. You talk about how nice she is, how nice her bar is and people go to her.

Johnny: How do I stop that?

Genesis: What you need to do is to stop mentioning Tifa. Whenever you mention her people go to her. What you should do is deny her existence. Whenever someone asks about her you should up and down deny her existence. Tell people she doesn't exist, --that she's a lie.

Johnny: Deny her existence?

Genesis: Yes. Or you could kill her. If you kill her then no one would come to her bar. Of course if you kill her then you'd have to kill Cloud. He would come after you. He is built like a tank. You can't take him down. He's built like a tank—jeep—a jeep. He's built like a jeep—hummer. He's built like a hummer, you know? He can't be taken down. Now Barret is built like a tank. He would be impossible to take down. I mean bullets don't stop Barret and being stabbed doesn't stop Cloud. What you should do is switch it. Stab Barret and shoot Cloud. That would do it.

Now Red, he—actually when I said Red I meant Cait Sith, but you know what while I said Red I'll go to him first. Red is some sort of dog like thing. He isn't a dog but some sort of thing—what are you Red?

Red XIII: Unfortunately I don't know my self.

Genesis: Well that sucks. Any way what you should do is…give him a ball. Give him a ball; he'll play around with that for a while. He's a dog—sorry Red you're not a dog; you're a dog thing. Which reminds me Hojo tried to crossbreed Aerith with Red. That is weird. That's not even possible. You can't even crossbreed an actual dog with a human. That doesn't work. I would like to see that. Not in process. What you guys thought I wanted to see it in process? I meant the end result. Although I would like to see that in process. Speaking of Aerith she's…built like a bicycle you could kill her easily. I mean she has that staff/spear thing, but if you get that away from her then you could take her down.

Johnny: How will this help me get more customers?

Genesis: I will get to that. Although I could tell you a way to cut out the middle man and get through this a lot faster. But I will get to that later.

Anyway Zack, however, is built like a tank. He may not look it but he is built like a tank. If you kill Aerith then you're going to have to kill Zack too. We know that he can be shot so you could do that. He won't survive that. Shoot him a couple of times and he'll go down like a ton of bricks. Anyway, Cait Sith! He's a robot. He's small you could just squash him. That'd do it. Of course Reeve has a lot of them.

Reeve: I have four of them actually. This one here isn't even the first one. I still never did recover the first one. All I've got is its head here; I didn't get all of it back. Never recovered it fully. This one here is the third one. I have a fourth one I never activated. I was debating on whether or no to activate it when you showed up.

Genesis: That hurt's my feelings.

Reeve: Well we didn't know what you were going to do. After what Cloud told us about you we didn't know what to do.

Genesis: Well I'm still offended. Now Cid is strong. He's built like a hummer too but he has that lance. The only way you could get him is to get him from behind. Just hit him in the back of his head with a bottle and he should go down. Then you should kill him. Now he's married so his wife will most likely be there so you should slit her throat. It'll be easy to do. Shoe doesn't have any weapons she can't fight back. Yuffie, she's a ninja, but she's also small. Slit her throat as well. That's what ninjas do; they kill each other in their sleep. That's how you do it. Or you could beat her; she can't do anything about it.

You can't kill Vincent. He's immortal. So what you have to do is break his legs so—break his arms. That way he can't fire at you. Although he can jump pretty high, you know what just break all his limbs. Incapacitate him. Completely. Oh wait, I forgot about Marlene. I forgot Barret had a daughter. _Had_ a daughter, if you know what I mean. I—damn, I forgot about Denzel too. And all of the other orphans. Okay you know what? Kill the kids too.

Johnny: Kill the kids?

Genesis: Yes! They're kids they can't do anything to you.

Johnny: Then why kill them?

Genesis: Because they could eventually do something to you.

Johnny: Like what?

Genesis: They could get a hold of Vincent's guns; they could shoot you.

Johnny: How will this help keep people from going to Tifa's bar?

Genesis: I'm getting to that. Oh—Shelke. I forgot about you. You know what? You could just beat her too. It won't be hard. She's small. Reeve…you know what, he's frail. He's built like a toothpick. You could punch him and he'd go down. Now about that middleman. Now I'm going to tell you how to cut out the middleman right now. You could just burn down Tifa's bar; save yourself the trouble.

Johnny: Or I could burn the bar down and hope everyone is in it and take them all out at once.

Genesis: Yes! You could do that. That would save you a lot of trouble.

Johnny: I'm glad we had this talk.

Genesis: I'm glad too.

Johnny: Thanks for helping me.

Genesis That's what I'm here for.

Johnny: Thanks for helping me kill people.

Genesis: If that's what I'm helping then I'm glad.

**Thank You. Here's to 2017. May it never come. Or come depending on your point of view.**


End file.
